i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
