you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
