I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
