I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
