You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
