Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
