Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
