When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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