Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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