You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
