so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
