Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
