i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
