Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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