He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
