One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
