Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
