Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
