If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
