I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
