Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
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you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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