I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
