The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
