Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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