Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
