I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
