I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
