drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
