but the lizard people decide everything anyway
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
