You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
