my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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