I have demons in me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
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This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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