I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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