woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
