i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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