You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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