sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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