She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
