saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
