She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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