Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
my being single is dangerous.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
