Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
