What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
