My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
