I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
