the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You ruined the universe
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
