My liver just broke up with me...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
