the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
