My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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