i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
