once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
