I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
