Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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