Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
