The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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