Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
