we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
