we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
