My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
