My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
