and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
