mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im holly from the hills drunk
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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