i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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