Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
