Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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